What to Say in a Condolence Message
The shortest condolence message that works has three parts. Say the name of the person who died. Say one specific true thing about them. Offer one thing you will actually do. Three lines is enough, and it is more than most people manage, because no wording feels equal to the occasion and so the card gets put off.
Every order we send carries a free personalised gift card, and this is the message customers ask about more than any other. What follows is a shape rather than a script. Borrowed words are what make a card read like a form letter, and the person receiving it will read a lot of them in one sitting.
Say their name
Write the name of the person who died. "Sorry for your loss" is the phrase almost everyone reaches for, and it is the one that reads as filled in rather than written. "I am so sorry about Peter" does more in six words than a paragraph of careful phrasing, because it is unmistakably about one person.
Use the name the family used. If you only ever knew them by a surname or a title, that is the name to use, and there is no need to explain the connection.
Say one specific thing
One memory, one habit, one small thing they did. He always answered the phone on the second ring. She fed everyone who came to the door. He drove me home the night my car died and never brought it up again. Specific is the whole job of a sympathy card.
It does not have to be significant. The details people keep are usually small ones, and a card that hands back something the family had half forgotten is the one that ends up in a drawer rather than the recycling.
Offer something you will actually do
"Let me know if you need anything" is the most common closing line and it is almost never taken up. It hands the grieving person a task: work out what you need, decide whether it is fair to ask, then ask someone who is also upset.
Replace it with a decision you have already made. I will drop food round on Thursday and leave it at the door. I will do the school run next week. I will ring on Sunday and you do not have to pick up. One specific offer, already decided, is worth more than an open door nobody walks through.
Three phrases to leave out
Anything beginning "at least". At least he did not suffer. At least you had those years. Each one argues that the loss is smaller than it feels, and nobody wants that argument put to them in writing.
"They are in a better place", unless you know the family shares that belief. Said to someone who does not, it lands as a correction rather than a comfort.
"I know how you feel." You might, and it is still the wrong sentence, because it turns the card back towards you. If you have been through something similar, say so plainly and stop there.
One more, and it is not a phrase but a question: do not ask how they died. A card is not the place to find out, and if the family want to tell you, they will.
Send it, even if it is late
Cards arrive in a rush in the first fortnight and then stop, which is usually just before the house goes quiet. A card that turns up a month later is not late. It is the only one that week.
When the card is travelling with a gift, our sympathy hampers are what these messages most often go with, and the wider gift hampers range covers the same moment for a whole household. On timing, what to send after a funeral is the companion to this piece. Sympathy gift ideas that are not flowers covers the alternatives, what to write in a get-well message does the same job for illness, and choosing a gift for a moment that matters sets out the wider decision. Write the three lines, send it, and let them read it when they are able to.
Frequently asked questions
Is it better to write something short or something long?
Short. A long message asks the reader for effort they do not have, and it will be read alongside dozens of others in a single sitting. Three or four lines is the practical limit, which is also about as much as fits on a gift card without being cramped. If you have more to say, send the card short and follow it up in a fortnight, once the post has stopped and the house has gone quiet.
What if I did not know the person who died?
Write to the living person about the living person. You do not need a memory of someone you never met, and inventing one is worse than not having one. Say that you are thinking of them, name the relationship rather than the person, and make the one practical offer. Something like: I never met your mother, but I know what she meant to you, and I am thinking of you this week.
Should I mention how they died?
No, unless the family has said it themselves, and then only in their words. The reason is practical: a card is read by whoever picks it up, often out loud, and often by someone who has not yet decided what they want said in front of the room. Leaving it out costs you nothing and takes one decision away from them.